What Types of Changes Might Happen?

You still go to school, and have your friends, interests, and activities. You are still the special and unique person you've always been. You can still strive for the same goals and dreams that you had before.

They won't stop loving you, and you can keep on loving them. Your parents might seem different for a while, they might seem sad or distracted or cranky, but they are still the same people they have always been. They might also develop new interests, see new friends, or dress differently, but this is their own response to change.

If your parents have split up, you might feel like your family has simply ended: it's over. But it's not. Your family is just changing. What makes a family isn't just who you live with or where you live. So even though things might be changing, the heart of your family stays the same: it's about the love and support you share with each other.

Your parents probably won’t live together anymore. This means you will probably spend time with each of them separately. You might spend the same amount of time with each parent, or you might spend more time with one parent than the other. 

Try this:

• Stay connected: Connect over the phone, through texts, or video calls. Maintaining regular communication can help you feel connected and supported even when you're apart. Keep things, like photos, that remind you of them nearby.
• Quality time: Make the most of the time you spend with each parent by engaging in meaningful activities together. Whether it's watching movies, cooking, or playing games, cherish these moments and focus on building positive memories.
• Stay Flexible: Understand that visitation schedules may change over time due to various factors. Being flexible and adaptable can help reduce stress and make transitions smoother.

Moving between different houses can be stressful and might mean you forget to bring things with you. 

Try this: 

• Double up on basics: If possible, try to have basics like a toothbrush or shampoo in each home. This way you don’t have to pack everything each time. 
• Make each home your own: Move some of your things into your new space, to help make it feel like your own. Talk to your parents about what you can do to make the new space more comfortable for yourself, such as painting the walls your favourite colour.
• Create a Routine: Establishing a consistent routine for spending time with each parent can provide stability. Knowing what to expect can make the transition between households easier. If your parents have very different rules and lifestyles, you will probably have to do your best to get used to the differences. But again, if you feel that your needs are not being met, speak up! Maybe some things can be changed to help make you feel more comfortable.

Big changes such as moving to different neighborhoods and schools can be difficult. 

Try this:

• Stay connected: Stay in touch with friends from your old neighborhood and school. Social media, texting, or video calls can help maintain these connections even if you're physically apart.
• Scope out your school: Research your new school before you go, look on their website and get an idea of what it might be like. If possible try to organize a visit before your first day.
• Explore your new neighbourhood: Take time to explore your new surroundings. Find local parks, cafes, or hangout spots where you can meet new people and feel more at home.
• Get Involved: Join clubs, sports teams, or extracurricular activities at your new school. This can help you meet new friends with similar interests and feel more connected to your new community.

Your parents might have less money than before, because it costs more to run two homes. 

Try this:

• Open Communication: Talk to your parents about the financial situation. Understanding the changes and how they might affect you can help ease uncertainty and anxiety.
• Embrace Simplicity: Simplify your lifestyle and find joy in the simple things. Look for free or low-cost activities and hobbies that bring you happiness and fulfillment without breaking the bank.
• Take control of your finances:  Learning to budget out your allowance or getting a part time job can foster feelings of independence and self confidence.

You might be asked to help out around the house a little more than before. This might simply be because there is only one adult to do the work that two adults used to do. 

Try this:

• Expect to take on a few more chores around the house: While you shouldn't have to run the whole household, you should do your part. Check in with your parents to see if they need a little extra help such as cleaning or cooking sometimes. 
• Remember your job is to be a kid: If it feels like you are taking too much on, talk to your parents to see if there is anyone else that might be able to help support you or take things off your plate.

You might start to see some family members more or less than you used to. Some might “take sides” in your parents’ break up and put you in an awkward position. 

Try this: 

• Stay connected: For family members who you don’t get to see as much, think about other ways you can connect with them, like phone calls, texting, video calls, or even letters!
• Set boundaries: If family members are taking sides in your parents’ separation, or speaking badly about one of your parents, let them know you don’t want to talk about it and hearing them badmouthing your parent makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask to talk about something else.

Your parents might be happier now that they aren't together anymore. On the other hand, separating can also increase conflict, especially if they end up going to court. 

Try this:

• It’s okay to be relieved: Some parents get along better once they are separated. If this is the case, enjoy spending time with your parents in a less stressful environment. It’s okay to feel happy or relieved.
• Know it’s not your fault: Parents fighting is not your fault. They need to work things out without getting you caught in the middle. See Caught in the Middle for tips.
• Reach out for support: If your parents’ fighting is bothering you or affecting your mental health, let your parents know and reach out to trusted adults for extra support. 
• Know it won’t last forever: Separating can lead to extra conflict between parents, but it usually doesn’t last. Parents want to get on with their lives too.

Traditions you have grown up with and love may change. You might have to alternate who you spend special occasions with. This could mean you spend holidays with one parent one year and then the other the next. 

Try this:

• Know it’s okay to be sad: It is okay to be sad and miss the way things used to be. Holidays can be especially hard for people going through a separation. You don’t have to pretend to be happy. 
• Talk it through: Talk to your parents about the traditions that are really important to you and see if you can figure out ways to adapt them to your new life. 
• Create new traditions: Try creating new traditions with each parent. Each year, try to do some new things that you can do again next year. Before long, you'll find yourself with lots of new traditions. 

As your parents start a new life they may start new romantic relationships. This might feel very weird or strange. It may take some time for you to adjust to a new adult being in your life. 

Try this: 

• Know it’s okay to have lots of feelings: You might experience feelings of jealousy. Or you may feel a sense of betrayal, especially if it seems too soon after the separation for them to be dating someone new. It’s okay to tell your parents how you are feeling. Have open communication about your feelings, and lean on your support network. 
• Know they aren’t there to replace your other parent: Having a good relationship with your step parent doesn’t take away from your relationship with your parents. At the same time, it’s not great to feel like you are being pushed into having a close relationship with your step family before you are ready. Talk to your parents or get help from a counsellor.

Divorce and separation can be stressful, and it's normal for it to affect various aspects of your life, including school. Let your teachers or school counsellor know about the situation so they can provide you with additional support if needed.

In the vast majority of cases, kids get to spend time with both parents. How much time you spend with each parent, and exactly how that will work, depends on what’s in your best interests. 

In certain situations where your safety or wellbeing are at risk, like if there's been violence at home the court might decide that a parent needs restrictions on when and how they can see you. This could mean you might not be able to see them as often, or it could mean there needs to be another adult present when you do see them. It is okay to be sad about not seeing your parent even if they are dealing with serious problems. It’s okay to keep loving them. Reach out for support if you are struggling.