Strengthen your Bond with Your Child

• The quality of parenting kids receive after a separation is powerfully related to how well they adjust. Parenting is hard. The stress of separating makes it even harder. Focus on being a warm, supportive and responsive parent and using effective discipline techniques. These can lower the tension and build connection between you and your kids. 
• Try Because Life Goes On and Nobody’s Perfect or go to Getting Help.

• At whatever age, play is essential for children’s development. 
• During times of stress and change, children need to play more than ever. Take time to play and have fun with your kids. Just 5 minutes a day is often enough! 
• If you have more than one kid, try to have some one-on-one time with each of them. 
• Avoid falling into the parenting trap of buying presents to compensate for missing time with your child. See Parenting Traps.

Helpful phrases: 

• "Let's take a break from everything and go play outside. It's good for both of us!"
• “Can I play too?”

• They need to know how much you love them. 
• Tell them more often than you normally would. 
• Show them you love them through actions and simply spending time with them. 
• Young kids are likely to feel highly sensitive and maybe even clingy during emotionally challenging times, make sure you are extra reassuring and patient with them. 
• Take interest in all aspects of their lives like what activities they like to do, and what their friends are up to. 

Helpful phrases: 

• “I love being your parent” 
• “I’m wondering how your day went. When you’re ready, I’d love to hear about it.”

• Follow through on promises and don’t make promises you can’t keep. 
• Apologize when you make a mistake. 
• Are you responding to your kid’s behaviour out of stress or anger? 
• Work on managing your own emotions so you can be a steady presence for your kids. See Taking Care of Yourself is Taking Care of Your Family. 
• Be fair and consistent in your discipline. See Dealing with Change.

Helpful phrases: 

• ‘I'm sorry for raising my voice earlier. That was a mistake, and I shouldn't have done it. Can I have a do over?”

• Show them you have their back. That you accept them and love them for who they are even if they make mistakes 
• Help them find their strengths and develop positive self talk. See Building a Strong Sense of Self. 

Helpful phrases: 

• “I know you are a good kid. You made a mistake and are trying to fix it and that is what is important.”
• “You can alway tell me if you are in trouble. We will work on making it better together.”

• When kids see that trying hard is what really counts, it helps them stay strong and positive about learning. It also stops them from worrying too much about making mistakes, so they can explore and learn without feeling like everything has to be perfect. 

Helpful phrases: 

• “I see how much you're trying, and that's something to be proud of. Keep it up!" 
• “I’m really impressed by how hard you worked on that project. The amount of research and thought you put in the project takes real dedication.”

• Show you respect their views by seeking their opinions and views. 
• Listen and take them seriously. 
• Explain how you will take their views into account, even if you can’t ultimately do what they want. See Voice of the Child. 

Helpful Phrases: 

• “What do you think about this?” 
• “What you think is important and I want to hear.”

• Young children struggle to separate themselves from their parents, and so if they witness parents arguing they can experience this as if they were directly involved. Work to minimize conflict with the other parent. Avoid fighting in front of your kids. See Parenting Traps and Parenting With the Other Parent. 

Helpful Phrases: 

• "Our disagreements are between us adults. You're not responsible for fixing things or choosing sides. We're here to support you, no matter what."

• During the separation process your child might feel like their world is falling apart and they might have strong feelings, including being angry at you. It's important to have open and honest conversations and provide a space without judgement for them to express themselves safely. See Coping and Self Care. 

Helpful Phrases: 

• “I hear how angry you are. It makes sense you would feel that way.” 
• “What you're feeling is real and I believe you. I know there is a more respectful way you can say that to me.”

• During a separation sometimes parents can consciously or unconsciously put their children in difficult positions, such as making them feel guilty for wanting to see the other parent. This can cause a lot of stress for a child and undermine their trust in you. See Parenting Traps. 

Helpful Phrases: 

• "Your relationship with both of us is important, and I don't want anything to come between that.”