Key Takeaway
Create a feelings friendly environment by actively listening to your kid’s feelings without judgment, offer empathy and support, and validate their emotions.
One of the best ways to keep your kids communicating with you is to have conversations with them about everyday things too. If every conversation seems to be about separation and divorce, they may soon start to avoid them altogether.
Sometimes kids don’t want to talk about their feelings. Rather than pressuring them into a discussion, check to see what could help. Maybe all they want at that moment is the comfort of your hug or maybe they want some space. Just let them know you are there for them when they need you.
Remember
Sometimes kids feel more comfortable talking when they aren't face to face. Try taking a walk with your kids or gently enquiring about how they are on car rides together. See if they open up more.
Kids are less likely to open up if they are worried about hurting your feelings or if they think you will over react. You want your kids to feel safe coming to you, especially if they are in trouble or have hard feelings. Learning to regulate your own emotions is key. Easier said than done but worth practicing. See Taking Care of Yourself.
Don't brush off their worries, immediately jumping into problem-solving mode or minimize their concerns. Be there for them and connect by showing that you genuinely care and letting them know that their feelings are valid.
When your kids share their feelings with words, it's a big step for them. If you acknowledge and understand their feelings, they'll feel encouraged to keep opening up. But if you react negatively, they might not feel comfortable sharing in the future. It's easy to accidentally say things that dismiss their feelings without realizing it.
Invalidating Statements
- Don’t be mad.
- Cheer up. It’s not that bad. Get over it.
- You’re overreacting. You’re so dramatic.
- You shouldn’t worry about that.
- You being sad makes me sad.
Validating Statements
- Lots of children feel angry when their parents are splitting up. It is normal and okay to feel that way.
- It looks like you’re feeling sad. Sometimes talking about it helps.
- It looks like this is really important to you
- That is quite a worry. What is it about sharing a bedroom with your sister that you think will be difficult?
- It’s okay to feel sad. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings when you tell me how you feel.
They might not be aware of the reasons behind the feeling but don’t jump in with your own theories too quickly.
Remember
Feelings aren’t problems to be fixed. Feelings are a natural part of being human, and everyone experiences them differently. Instead of trying to "fix" feelings, listen and let your kid know their feelings are valid. Just being there for your kids is often enough.
If they are having trouble expressing themselves, ask some questions. Move from general to specific. Your child might not fully understand the reason behind their worry. Give them time to think about it, but if they can’t pinpoint the cause you could offer suggestions.
Try to let your child propose most of the ideas. This will help them to become an independent problem solver. Together you will find a solution that seems workable.